keninabu!: July 2006

Monday, July 31, 2006

Girl, you rock

You should be a DJ.

Huge Relief

It's a huge relief to feel alright right now.

For one, the inner Gordian knot of emotions has been cut: I went to this meditation thing last night at Bright Hill Temple. The night before, as you might have seen on this blog, it was total hell: I didn't sleep much, maybe 3 hours, and the whole night was like a giant long nightmare full of tears, accusations and emotional turmoil. Consequently yesterday was also hellish at work, as the lack of sleep played tricks on my emotions. I was also feeling a little narcoleptic: I'd fall asleep and realize that I had typed something halfway, for example.

The meditation session was about Vipassana (but not in the tradition taught by Goenkaji, which is the link's tradition). It comes from similar roots as Goenkaji's teachings.

We are at the beginning stage where we first teach our mind to calm down sufficiently, to be able to observe our internal phenomena. Instead of choosing breath as a meditation object, we used metta bhavana or loving kindness meditation to ease our mind, and to focus ourselves.

It was so therapeutic to go there and sit, to listen to stuff which I had learned before but forgotten, and to practice meditation methods which I had forgotten and which I had allowed to lapse.

After the session, it felt like my back was going to break, but I also felt a huge relief, like my mind was a lot clearer, cleaner and calmer.

And I was able to let go, then. And I'm feeling a lot happier about it as well, even though I do miss hanging out with her.

Metta Bhavana

It seems like starting off a meditation with metta (loving kindness) meditation first, and directing the metta towards myself first and then to other sentient beings, is a good way to calm my mind troubled by a million troubles. It's especially helpful when my mind is as full of anger as it is.

After that,I proceeded to do anapanasati, and the focus is a lot better than without the metta bhavana.

You might want to try it yourself.

Chick Rock

"Boy, all it needs to be is to be sung by a chick, and it qualifies as 'chick rock' ", said John.

John's an artist, and very pro-chick rock: in fact, that is all that he listens to. There's something liberating, I guess, about listening to music with lyrics that are reflective, soulful, and not always going on about how she's my woman, or my biatch, etc. etc. bullshit like that.

I remembered that he mentioned before that he liked to listen to Ani di Franco, and I just checked her website out: she looks very cool. I'll go try her music tonight on iTunes if I can.

---

Right now, I just realized there's a distinct correlation between my tiredness and depression. I get depressed when I'm tired, especially when I can't sleep and can't let go of my thoughts, or if my thoughts have been dwelling on the negative.

Right now, I'm feeling grateful to her. For a lot of things that she did to me.

She has been the single greatest influence on my life so far, and in a good way. More than anyone else, she has been someone I respect immensely, and someone whom I listened to, even through my stubborn shell. Someone who showed me things which I would have never otherwise known. Someone who loved me, and who still cares.

I guess she was feeling tied down by me, because I was giving too much, with this implicit idea of control that comes with certain types of giving: guilty as charged. And she's a free bird, a real free spirit whom I had cruelly tied down.

And the whole thing with my parents, and the psychoex, it must have been a terrific mental burden.

I think I'm beginning to understand, and with this understanding comes a certain liberation from my own attachment.

I'm glad, really, that now she's settled in, she has founded her own ecosystem of new friends and acquaintances; and she's no longer dependent on me in the same way that she used to.

This break up, it's also a good thing, in that it's forcing me to think when I had begun to take things for granted.

Thank you. I'll buy you an Ani di Franco CD for your next birthday, if I think you like the music.

Meditation Tonight

Man, I currently have way too much time on my hands, and it's not healthy. It doesn't help that I didn't sleep much last night.

But I'm attending a meditation course tonight, and I think my mother also got some sleeping pills from our family physician, so at least I can look forward to a good night's rest tonight...

Whew!

Hilarious Picture

I have never ever seen an X-ray picture that actually shows fat, but see this picture.

The guy who made Supersize Me must be feeling extremely gratified.

Work, work, work

It's getting a little better for me right now, especially after the hour+ long meeting I had in the office with my bosses. It was my official briefing of my job scope, and it's an interesting job that I have.

Even though it looks like I'm really not managing anyone within my department, apparently I WILL be managing scientists, customers and collaborators, and getting them to talk to each other and to communicate with each other. A lot will hinge on my initiative and communication skills, and the ability to talk between different groups of people with very different motivations.

To add to the complexity, there are some people within the organization who do not see the value of our department; apparently these are the very same people who, when things do not work, are the first to blame us. So when things go well, nobody praises us but when shit flies, we are the first to get the blame.

Sounds ideal already.

I'll also be getting the paperwork and legal stuff down, including all the patents and contracts down pat. The department I'm in seems to be a very entrepreneurial with a bit of a start-up feel, even if the hierarchy is a bit screwy and the pace is a bit slow: we're a combination of the PR, sales, marketing and business development, but in addition to that, we're also the gateway for projects: we get to sieve through patents through a patent search-engine, and decide whether these projects are worth pursuing or not. The more they talked about the job, the more interesting it seems, and more potential that this job has.

After the meeting I spoke with my female boss, and she had worked in GE France before. I mentioned that this job seems to allow you to be as busy as you want to be (and trust me, I DO want my arse worked off right now, with my current frame of mind). She misunderstood me, and said, "well, it might seem easy for now..." and warned me that in a month's time, I won't have to look for something to do: "the job will look for you." In the meantime, I should get to know the organization really well.

I've been up since 2.30am, and still going strong. Yeah!!!!!!!

Sunday, July 30, 2006

Letter to Myself

Dear Moi,

I'm really sorry that you're feeling the way you are right now. Really.

It's hard, letting go when your feelings are still so strong, and you are still very attached to the other person who, just a moment ago, was the apex of your life.

But such is life: change is inevitable. Of course, you're going to feel very upset for now. Your attachment to her is going to cause you to feel all these negative emotions which stem from your attachment to her: they are not real and probably do not have an actual basis for them. These emotions are your anger, your feeling of being used and discarded, and other similar emotions. These emotions really are just a byproduct of your attachment to her, and it's part of your clinging that is causing you to feel these emotions, even though there is no basis in reality for these emotions.

Like her love for you, these emotions will change and soften with time, much like an ocean wave dying out once it reaches the edge of a beach.

I'm glad you love her, because love, if it is true, is pure and purifying. By this I'm not talking about the selfish love, the love-that-wants-her-all-to-myself. I'm glad that deep down inside, you know that you have to let her go and you have to move on, and that your love for her is strong enough to accomodate that, and to let her go.

I don't mean to let her go and then lapse into self pity. (Which, btw, is not what this letter is about, even though it might seem so.) Rather, to let her go, to take care of yourself, and to move on with your life.

You have a purpose, and it is to help others. What happened to your dream about climate change? Obviously, if you think about it, you have been side-tracked: how do you want to change it back and get back on-track now? Maybe that should occupy your mind instead of your current relationship troubles.

DON'T FORGET YOUR PURPOSE.

You are still upset, but you have to understand, people change. And change is good in its own way. For change gives us an opportunity to see things in a different light, and to experience new things that come our way. Afterall, if things did not change, then everything will stay the same.

And hell, that would be boring, wouldn't it?

Life is a ride, and we need to start looking out of the window, instead of focusing on who seats next to us. Right now the seat is empty, but yours isn't, and you're missing the landscape as it goes by. At the same time, don't get off the bus: you need to get to your destination, your goal.

You remember how it was? While you were on that bus from Porto to Malaga, and that moment when you woke up, and the sun was shining in the Spanish desert on the hills of Andalucia. The sky was clear, almost purple in its blueness, and the sun shone sideways with a ray of gold, lighting the hills in a shade of red and gold.

It was the same exact type of morning as when you were on a road trip in the US, in the South.

And now you're listening to her song collection, listening to this song of hers by Emmiliana Torrini, "To Be Free", and, in a way, you understand how she feels. The need to pull herself together, the guilt, the mix of emotions, but this overriding need to be free.

Afterall, wasn't it the same reason you broke off the previous relationship? And hadn't she, the now-ex, helped you break that one off?

Thank her, for her help, for her love, for her continuing concern. Thank her, and move on, for you love her truly, and I know you do, you won't dwell on the matter so much and dwell in self pity.

Take care of yourself. Try and get some rest. And if your mind plays tricks on you, as it was, do what you need to do to get your rest, for sleep is at a premium and without it, you really cannot function properly at all.

Take time apart from her to pamper yourself, take care of yourself. Work out at the gym. Meet new people. Take dance classes. Eat and sleep properly.

Go back to the basics. If you have to, let yourself cry from time to time.

You will be fine with time.

And don't forget your purpose.

Take care now. I will always be with you, and will always be here when you need a listening ear.

Love,
Me

Monkey mind, monkey mind

My mind is going nuts, and I'm probably not as strong as I seem or hope to be.

My monkey mind is clinging on to the monkey trap of depression, with 'love' as the bait. Its fist is in the hollowed-out coconut,clinging on tightly, and unable to withdraw. Yet, if my mind simply lets go of the bait, then I can get out of the trap and move on.

Let go!

Ai, but I can't...

---

I probably need some help, like sleeping pills or something to help me get a good night's rest. My sleep cycle is so screwed right now, I'm now wide awake at 3.20am and will probably be dead tired in 12 hours right when I'm in the middle of a meeting.

Awake and Depressed at 2.52am

After a fit of restless sleep that involved tossing and turning in my bed for four hours, it suddenly hit me that, wow, everything has gone the full cycle.

Everything that I had been afraid to happen two months ago, has happened. Like my fear of being too old for her. Or the fear that she would just get bored and move on.

Or the fear that, even though I had invested every single fiber of my being to shield her from things that had been thrown in our way (parents, ex-gf, distance, etc.), she would move on.

I guess I shouldn't be angry at her for her feelings changing: that would be like being angry at a cloud for changing its shape. Yet, at the same time, the abruptness of her change has been disturbing. From someone who needed me to someone who is telling me to "take as much time as (I) need" away from her as possible. From someone who had once called me up to tell me that she couldn't live without me, to someone who now wanted to live alone.

And all this within a month.

Stuff had been brewing in her mind, and I had not realized, and I had been blind. I had been angry at another friend, who had warned me before that this change within her seems permanent. This friend had broken up with her bf of six years, and she had told me that the language that my now-ex had used was similar; at that time, the now-ex was indignant, saying "how can she know, when I haven't even made up my mind yet?"

Well, now she has decided, and her decision has been to just leave me and move on.

I can understand that in part, it's because she's still young.

On the other hand, she has seen so much, and been with so many other people. In terms of relationships she's hugely more experienced than I was or will be. I guess it doesn't matter, and she's a free spirit who cannot be pinned down.

But the other things that she said, the justificiation for the break, really really hurts. That everything else was "tiring". That things like my parents opposing, things which I had fought against so much and placed myself in a position receiving criticism against her, was tiring, and had caused her feelings to change.

The irony is that things are a lot better now, and the very things which she wants to break up with me for were the very things which I was, just a month ago, feeling much more optimistic about. My parents no longer opposed, my ex-gf is no longer in contact, and there is no more distance between us.

And right when all these things are solved, I am suddenly asked to let go, to move on.

I'm working on it. I'm trying to let go. Right now, at 3.10am.

Because I love her (not as an ex-gf) and I really want her to be happy, and I'm not going to let myself get in her way.

Friday, July 28, 2006

Thoughts on being Single again

Does being single suck?

Maybe only the initial phase, when the hurt is still new, and when the feelings are still raw, as it is right now. It sometimes hurts to read and think about what has just passed on between us, and how things were just a few months ago.

But I'm the eternal optimist who thinks that life will get better, and that things happen for a reason.

And I am beginning to be won over by the idea of a break at this time in my life. This is the perfect time for me to sit and reflect, to think things through and do some soul searching.

For one thing, there is this reservoir of anger within me, that needs to be diverted, overcome and dissipated somehow. How this anger came about, it probably had its roots in the previous affair, with the resulting negative consequences on me,and consequently on everything around me.

I deeply regret the damage and emotional trauma that I have caused on her in the past, especially when she told me that she wanted to be just friends. I had manipulated her psychologically and emotionally (albeit unintentionally) in my attempts to stay together, causing a lot more unnecessary stress and unhappiness. And I had overlooked the courage that she had mustered, in order to be able to tell me in the first place.

For another thing, the whole affair has expended so much energy that I have completely neglected to take care of myself, so much so that physically I am in the worst shape of my life so far (back all screwed, knee is fucked, and putting on weight in general).

So overall, now is a good time to be apart, to be by ourselves, to live our own lives after the end of this relationship.

---

It's in the nature of my mind to go to the extreme sometimes, to want not to let go,to want to go the extreme and cut off all ties completely, to cry and go crazy, to have a fling and a rebound affair with someone else.

But that's just not right.

Love, as an ideal, should not be about selfishness. Love, as an ideal,should not be about clinging, but about respect, about freedom, about accepting change.

My love for her was, once before, a very pure love, focused on what was best for her. Sadly, it had recently corrupted itself into a very earthy, very lusty and sexually-based love. A selfish love, so to speak, that is far from ideal. In a way, I disappointed myself, but there is still some redemption yet, in letting her go, in moving on with my life, in wishing her all the best with her life and keeping in touch as friends (if she wants) and helping her as best as I can.

True Love has an element of "sa3 tuo1", which is a Chinese phrase that does not translate well: a translation that is as good as any other is 'non-attachment'.

This is a good chance to practice sa3 tuo1, right now in the current situation.

----

A positive aspect of being single is the freedom to look.

And it is very, very, very nice to be able to look around (not that she ever stopped me: in fact, it was our sport) to enjoy the sights around me, especially on the weekends.

It'll be nicer still when I am happy being single, and can start dating again. Of course, I could start dating now, but I'll probably just fuck up someone else, and I would rather not do that...

Falling Asleep...

I'm so sleepy, and the lack of alertness is not helped by

a) the fact that I slept at 12am last night, because of a phone conversation with her
b) the fact that I ate a pretty large lunch, AND
c) because of the birthday club celebrations, I had TWO slices of ice cream cake.

At this rate, I will be fat enough to float a sunken aircraft carrier.

Met with one of the bosses today for a short meeting, and she briefed me on a completed task of mine, which she was very positive about; that said she gave further clarification about what she wanted me to do. After the gloom of yesterday and the day before, I have this strong feeling that I will really leave this place having learned something.

I still wish to get a broad overview of business in general, however. Consequently, I'm really wondering about business school...

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Missing Mathematics

It sounds stupid, almost retarded, but I really miss the rigour and the fun of doing mathematics problems.

I'm going to start sourcing out combinatorial problems, and doing them in my spare time...

Feeling a little trapped

Suddenly, I'm feeling doubtful whether I really want to stay on this job or not, and if this job is what I want to do at all.

I have this feeling of the claustrophobia that comes with being stuck and from not knowing if I'm making a mistake...

Of course, it is a bit early to judge whether this job is what I want to do or not, but I have this nagging sense in the back of my mind that I might be in the wrong place, doing the wrong thing. For one thing, I'm not exactly thrilled by the technologies we're dealing with. For another, I keep feeling that what I really want to do is to sit in a class about corporate finance or stock options, and to learn about those finance stuff instead of the technical stuff I'm dealing with now...

I'm also worried that I'm really not doing anything quantsy, and that this will be something held against me should I want to do a quantsy job in future, like a finance-related job.

Just at lunch today, my colleagues and I were commiserating about the fact that our workplace is very far from downtown. While there's a greater tendency to spend when one's downtown, it is a lot more civilized in its way, and it's a lot easier to go places after work, as compared to my current workplace.

---

In addition, I'm spending an unhealthy amount of time thinking about her sometimes.

I miss her laugh and her teasing.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Back hurts like fuck...

For some reason, my back hurts like shit for the whole of today. It's a lot worse than yesterday, and I really cannot move. The moment I woke up and got out to turn off the alarm, I started yelping in pain like a wounded pup.

It didn't contribute to my feeling any better as the day went on. Especially since in the morning, I met up with another boss, and we had a meeting in a room to ourselves. She then proceeded to tell me quite candidly that my earlier suspicions of tension were quite right, but also proceeded to allay my fears by saying that things will be fine.

I'm a little relieved that she has given me some work to do, and it's work that seems to be useful in getting me to understand my workplace better, while also being actually USEFUL.

My colleagues seem to be very nice, mostly female, and mostly Chinese-speaking. In their own words, they are "very Channel 8", with Channel 8 being the main Chinese TV channel in Singapore.

Emotionally, I'm actually feeling pretty ok, perhaps because of the phone call last night. That said, I'm tempering my feelings with a lot of realism, and just letting things as they are.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Work

I will have to wait and see.

But at this point in time, I feel extremely uncomfortable, knowing that the hierarchy of the organization that I am at right now is extremely unclear.

For instance, there are two heads of the department I am at. And it seems like nobody is really talking to each other. They both think I'm working for them, and there seems to be a thinly-veiled rivalry between them as well.

But it's only the first day. I'll have to wait and see how things develop.

First day at work...

It seems like a very nice place. I got my security passes after standing an hour in line, and now I'm quite happily settled into my little cubicle. Afterwards, I'll be meeting one of my two bosses whom I haven't met, for an informal chat.

For some reason, I'm quite tired today... I didn't sleep that well because the back was bothering me, amongst other things. I woke up at 6.30am on the dot, even though I had set the alarm for 7.30am initially... in any case, I will have to wake up at 6.30am in future since the shuttle services to my work place start at 7.45am from the nearest MRT to my home.

Oh, and they also have a shuttle service from Outram Park, which makes me very happy... since it means I'll be able to move out and live near to downtown...
:)

---
I've been doing a lot of thinking, and so far, except for a quick SMS to her informing her about some sales thing I saw this morning, I've been pretty good at abstaining from contacting her altogether.

I kept thinking about what my friend C told me. She had said, "Sometimes people say things which they mean at that time... you really cannot hold a person to what he or she says." By doing that, I've basically placed a lot of expectations on the relationship, which might have been the reason the now-ex had freaked out. It kinda makes sense that she would talk about the pressure to be perfect, and about commitment.

In any case, she's now free, since we're not together anymore. As a result, I've been thinking a lot about how I was with her, how I reacted, and what I should have improved.

Heck, I just want to have fun, to be honest. I just want to live in the moment, not worry about the future, just have fun and enjoy myself. If she wants to break up, that's fine. If she wants to continue being with me, that's also okay. At this point, I think I'm just going to live day by day, and take things as they come while planning for my own future.

And if she wants to, she's more than welcome to join me on this path.

Monday, July 24, 2006

Acupunctured

I went for accupuncture for the first time today, and it was an experience as a human pincushion...

For one thing,it actually hurts. Not sharp "ARGH! YOU STABBED ME!?!?!" kind of pain, but more like "ow, that muscle feels really sore".

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Apart again. But for good, probably.

It's the kind of thing that you probably do not want to happen at the end of a long and exhausting day, but it happens anyway.

To cut things short, she has done it again: broken up with me for the umpteenth time.

As of now, I am not blaming her for how she feels. I just cannot go through it again, the whole cycle.

And having broken up with me (and gotten back together) twice in four days, I am definitely a lot more circumspect now about going back together with her. I don't blame her for feeling confused, but I can't go back to her without her proving for some time that she really does want me back.

A part of me wonders if I should just love her,and support her anyway. It wonders if I should just love and support her whatever and however I can, to tide through this.

Well, that was the part that made me call her, to ask her not to tell me that she wants to break up when we can just take a time-out, and give her time alone if she needs, in our relationship. Heck, time outs are a normal part of any relationship, except for ours.

But instead, what she tells me is that no, this cannot be done. Psychologically, she needs to KNOW how it is like for her to be completely single and by herself, and for her to KNOW that she can lose me.

Essentially, she's telling me she's taking me for granted. And nobody likes that.

It's a confusing time for all, and I don't envy her.

What I've written above is just a rough sketch of what transpired, which is not totally accurate, for sure.

All I can say for sure is that I'm quite ready to move on, and to start dating other people.

Saturday, July 22, 2006

Suddenly

... quite suddenly, out of the blue, she called me to tell me that she cannot be without me.

I don't remember what I said. All I remember is waking up afterwards, and thinking to myself that "it was a nice dream"... then later, it hit me that, maybe it wasn't a dream.

Maybe it did happen.

So I called her back, and it did happen.

So we're back together again.

Fundamentally, though, there are changes in our relationship. But, in a lot of ways, I think they are not bad changes. It is a lot more about enjoying each other's company now, and not so much about making the other party feel guilty. It is about two independent people choosing to be together,and not two dependent people who are together out of fear and clinging. There'll be a lot more personal space, a lot more personal freedom, and with the lack of the fear that comes with clinging, probably a lot more fun to come.

We'll see. It might be that she will change her mind again. As a friend advised and reminded me, my happiness does not lie with her, but within myself.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Watching Forrest Gump, you never know what you're gonna get.

I'm watching Forrest Gump.

I remember watching the film when it first came out. I remembered that this mainland Chinese couple sat in front of me while the film went on, and the man kept making all these snide comments in Mandarin.

Man,this film has a pretty damned good soundtrack. And really good acting too.

Sometimes I totally empathize with this fictional character, created as a satirical commentary about the American century. Sometimes I feel like I really miss America, watching scenes of New York, DC, San Francisco.

Like Forrest Gump, I feel really dumb sometimes. A dumb man in love with a beautiful woman. "You're too good for me", "we live too different lives". That sounds too awfully close to home sometimes. Although it is obviously different from my own reality. Is she my own Jenny, though?

I feel like him,perpetually a young boy, worrying about my mum.

Ooh, Gumps mother is dying. "You have to make your own destiny." - Mama Gump

Back to watching the movie.

Sunday, July 16, 2006

Friends: Help or bane?

I've been very tired defending her, and defending my decision to be her friend to my friends.

A friend from the US (let's call him P)started attacking her, and said authoritatively that from his own experience, such calls for "alone time" is bullshit, and it's better for me to just give up hope completely and move on. He said that usually this call for "alone time" is just a long drawn breakup, and it might as well break off right now instead of later. It seems to have happened to him quite a lot of times, and I know this guy well enough to know that deep inside, he's very sensitive, and he must have been extremely hurt.

But he forgot that he's not me,and she's not the other girls.

I got quite upset, and I complained to another friend, whom I'll call S.
S is a friend of mine from JC, and is on good terms with my now-ex, whom I'll call M. A bit of background is necessary.

S was in a six-year relationship, which she then broke up. In large part, it's because she felt for him as a brother and a friend, and not so much as a lover. I know this, because we had once spoken about it before, and I had actually counselled her then to stick with him, which she did.

More recently, she was in a short relationship with this guy who essentially dumped her. She has been pining over this guy, and wondering why he dumped her. But at the same time, she told me that for her, her chief concern is that he be healed from the scar of his relationship before her, and she would be happy if he had another girlfriend, not necessarily her. I told her, I admired her altruism, and supported her in the way she thought, as I can understand her motivation for doing so. She expressed relief that someone actually understands.

Keep this background in mind.

So I told S what my first friend P had said, that he was attacking M, and that I was pissed at my friend for pushing his interpretation on me based on his own experience, on a very different situation with very different people.

I was quite surprised when, quite out of the blue, she told me, "Yeah,actually what M said is quite like what I said when I wanted to break up with my first bf. You should take care of yourself and break off completely."

I asked her, "Did you tell your first bf that you loved him, before you broke up with him?"
S:"I loved him as a brother and a friend, but not other than that".
Me: "But it's quite different, then... M told me she still loves me, that it's not about the feeings but that she is confused, and she needs the time to decide for herself and clarify matters."
S took a while to reply, and she replied by typing, "I have this instinct that the break will be permanent. You should just break off and move on"
Me: "Yeah, but if I do as you say, and assume that it is permanent,then it WILL become permanent..."
S: "Yeah, but at the chance of prematurely cutting a love of a lifetime, I'll still advise you to move on, I'd hate to see you get hurt".

Given her recent past, and given her own feelings and actions towards her latest ex, it was a complete surprise for her to tell me all that.
When she herself has not moved on, and has not let go.
It made me very angry as well, that she kept drawing my situation with her breakup with her first boyfriend, when it's not the same. You can't compare two situations in two different contexts, with two sets of different people. She had no passion whatsoever for her first boyfriend. It's not the same with M and me, unless I'm very much mistaken. M's confused; my friend S was not. S did not see her bf as being eligible in any way; M told me that I was perfect for her, if only she was more stable.

Very fundamental differences,I think. Especially since M has been very confused of late, and sending very contradictory signals at times, of wanting to be just friends,but sometimes I still sense something, a concern, love.

Of course, I'm not saying M will get back to me, and frankly, I'm dealing with the possibility that she will come back to me and say 'no'; it would not be a surprise to me, to be honest. But right now, she's confused, she needs the space and time, and that's all there is.

But it's not the first time that my friend S has exhibited such negativity, almost cynicism about life and relationships, and for her to be willing to let this negativity come through. She is otherwise a very sweet person. Last time when M was drunk, while I was driving S home, S had told me, again out of the blue, that M was very uncertain about being together with me,that M felt pressure from me, that love was not enough, that M was still very young. The way she said it, she was warning me off M. She then ended by saying, "Life sucks. You can't always end up with the one you love".

All this, I heard from M herself afterwards, except the last bit.

But I can't help wondering, given everything that S said to me, has M been influenced unduly by S as well? Could S subconsciously be influencing M to doubt my relationship with her, and to reconsider things? S has a very sweet demeanour: but lurking beneath that,could there be a very hurt person who unintentionally lets her cynicism of love and life poison the relationships of others around her through unintentional manipulation?

Feelings about 'Purgatory'

It's a bit melodramatic to call it purgatory, really. As a friend put it, it's more like academic suspension than an expulsion.

Surprisingly, I'm handling it pretty well. In large part because I read this Buddhist tract, which reminded me that true love is really altruistic, and not selfish.

It struck me like a thunderbolt, because our relationship had been initially based on that.
It was not based on the crying, hurt, accusations of selfishness and other madness that I had thrown at her last Friday. It was not based on clinging, nor on promises of the future, nor on promises made in the present.

It was based on love that was not about lust, but about care for the other, but also based on a very pure friendship and concern for each other, as well as a lot of lighthearted fun with each other. It was based not on promises or commitment, but on our mutual feeling in the present. It was very altruistic, very pure.

And I had contaminated it with my own clinging, with my own selfishness.

The Buddhist tract reminded me that through my clinging, I really wasn't loving her, but loving myself. And it also reminded me that I myself had lost touch with myself: how can I love someone else, if I'm not taking care of myself and if I have lost touch with myself?

There are times when I feel down, but I have been sufficiently self-aware, so when I start feeling that way, I do things to get out of the feeling. Like going shopping with my mother. Or exercise. Or just indulging in the work I have to do.

It's paradoxical, but when feeling down and upset, it seems to help take the time to do something for someone else, without any expectation of reward. It seems like having that help accepted is by itself a reward.

And so I've let go of the clinging, and am feeling much better as a result of that. I'm giving her the space she wants, and I wish for her to be happy, and that is all that really matters to me.

Hard to explain

There are some things which are really hard to explain.

Like today, I finally gave my GMAT practice books to this acquaintance of mine. He's from Pune, India, and is doing his PhD now in Chemistry at NUS. I met him while we both attended the INSEAD tour, and we struck up a conversation; later we exchanged phone numbers and email contacts.

As I gave him the books today, he asked me how much I wanted for the books, and that kind of took me completely by surprise, because payment was never discussed, and I had never ever thought of getting payment from him. I looked at him, and told him, "nothing, I don't want money for this".

"Are you sure?"

"Yes"

"But why?"

And I was stumped.

I don't know why: it just seemed like the natural thing to do. I met him, he's a nice guy, he's studying for this exam which I just finished, and I have these books which he will probably find useful, so why don't I just help him by giving him these books?

Well, I could probably get some money from him in return, and that would have offset my initial cost of the books. Rationally, there was no reason why I could not have asked him for something in return.

But that would have been putting a price on friendship, in my opinion. So maybe that is why I did not want to accept money.

But in all honesty, I have no idea why I wanted to help him. I just did. Is it really that complicated?

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Feelings II

I'm not going to write more about my feelings, until the whole Purgatory period is over.

Even then it might just end with an SMS telling me "Let's not...", and if that happens (though it feels a lot more certain at times), life still has to go on.

I'm going to live my life to the fullest, with or without her.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Upbeat

It's raining outside, and by the looks of it, it will probably rain for the whole day.

But I'm feeling pretty upbeat today. Maybe it's because of the caffeine, or maybe it's the sugar intake, or it might also be a lot of emotional lurrrve coming from the Lady nowadays.

:)

Of course, there are still some glitches, like how her boss treats her. He's a complete git. To top it off, he's a git with attention deficit disorder: there are few things worse than having a half-brained ninny running the show while high as a parakeet on ecstasy! The poor lady gets bescheisst on a regular basis by this Ozzie parakeet... maybe he should just go home to his wallaby-wife and hop back to his continent in her pouch!

But I digress.

There are the other things getting better. I just got checked online and found that I have received an academic honor which I have been hankering about for some time now. In addition, I went for a job interview, and it went really well: I get this feeling that I might get a job offer. Whether I will take up the job or not, I have to think about it.

In addition, I submitted my application for business school: I heard back from both my recommenders, read one of the recommendations, and it seems to be a great recommendation. All in all, I think I stand a pretty good chance of getting into this school, even though I lack work experience, and I am worried that my application did not sufficiently address that failing. In any case, it's not the end of the world if I do not get in: I'm more interested nowadays about picking up finance knowledge, as I've been walking around reading finance books by Joel Greenblatt and by Warren Buffett.

Things with the lady are going well. My parents found out about us, but they are not angry. As my sister said in her email, my mother just seems happy that I am back, even if I am spending a lot of time out of home and at the Lady's. I've been speaking to my mother increasingly about the Lady as well, and my mother seems to be taking it well, which comes as a huge relief to me, to be honest.

Now we still don't know what exactly will happen to us when the Lady leaves, but at least she's now talking about trying to be together.

On my part, I've come to terms with the uncertainty, in a large way. One of the reasons is the story of a good friend of mine, let's call her K. K graduated from University of Michigan, Ann Arbor, and before that from a top JC in Singapore. While in Singapore, she was in a long distance relationship with this guy, P, who was studying in the UK. They broke up when she was in Michigan, as he was in the army at that time, and the conscription time was a huge strain on their relationship, as was the new environment for her. In the meantime she dated a lot of other people. But quite recently, they met again. He was now in Cornell, while my friend was working in Ann Arbor, and they met up somewhere in the US.

Again they clicked, and they also found out they were not attached. He told her that he still loved her, and as she told me, she realized that she felt much the same. And they were in a better position than in the past, since they were now both more mature, and much better able to handle their previous differences.

Now they're happily together, and while it's still a long distance relationship from Michigan to New York, the distance is really nothing compared to Singapore-US or US-Europe; add the fact that she's financially independent, and that he also intends to be in the US after graduation, and it seems like things are going really well for my friend K.

Of course, I'm not saying that things will be exactly the same wrt me and the Lady, and it would be foolish to think that. But it was a reminder that life, in general, is good, and that things do not always proceed in a linear progression, but sometimes with additional kinks along the way.

That said I'm going to try and help the Lady to find a job in Singapore, which is what she would like to do as well, even though she's also looking for jobs everywhere else.

Please wish us good luck to be together.

She asked me once, "Why are you so sweet to me?"

And I had replied, "Because I love you."

"Why?"

I don't really know. I love her more intensely than any other woman in my previous relationships before, and it is not something easily explained.

I always kid to her "because you have nice boobs", or "because you have nice eyes", but obviously, that's not it.

Maybe it is because we connect on many levels: intellectual, physical, emotional, political, spiritual, and gastronomical. Our tummies are literally growing to be like each other... :)

Maybe it is because there is a lot of mutual respect. As she noticed, I listen to her when I do not listen to others. I love her for her candid views and comments, which can be a bit too blunt for some people but not for me, since I can be like this as well.

Maybe it is because of a deep trust that we have in each other. Knowing that she will not let me down when it matters, that she will not abandon me when I need her. And her knowing that I will be there as much as I can, to be there for her when she needs me.

Maybe it is because while we connect, we are significantly different, even completely opposite, to make things interesting. Things get a little too interesting at times, but heck, I cannot imagine being in a relationship where the other half is a female clone of me: that must be incredibly boring and blah, based on my previous experience.

It's the attraction of the opposites, sometimes, but it is an incredibly enriching experience for me. For example, if someone were to crack a bad joke, I will still smile in appreciation at the effort; she, on the otherhand, will unabashedly announce to the person, "that is not funny". As another example, I have a bad habit of nagging at people, including her. In fact our many arguments stem from my attempts at rationalization when she is feeling emotional (a very masculine habit), which tends to come across as nagging to her ears. I like to think that I nag less nowadays, in large part because I'm becoming a well-trained boyfriend.

We have different taste in different things, like music and films. My favourite film, for example, is Fight Club; she does not like the film as it is "too gory and unrealistic (in its portrayal of a split personality)". In general I like the music she puts on, but the moment I play my jazz and classical stuff, her eyeballs glaze over and she starts to clamour for a change in the music. She doesn't like Oasis, except for some songs she knows.

But ultimately, these little differences seem to add to the attraction, not detract from it.

And all the reasons I gave above do not really explain the depth of my feelings for her.

I believe that I love her because I just do. It's not something that can be explained or rationalized.

I want to be with her, and that's ultimately the reason why I am with her.

I love her, that's all.

Sunday, July 02, 2006

Feelings

My emotional state nowadays runs up and down like the Bombay Sensex: a bit chaotic. In general going up, but nobody knows when it will crash.

I was just thinking to myself today that I'm really not spending enough time doing things I should be doing: looking for volunteer work to do, looking for other jobs, finishing up with my applications, etc.

In addition I've become really disorganized since I came back: except for a brief organizing stint before my exam, my place is a real mess. Books everywhere, bags all over the place.

It's also kind of worrying that the boxes I had sent from the US STILL have not arrived... I can only pray that they were not hijacked by some pirates somewhere near Sulawesi. If so, those bastards better appreciate all my books... (more likely they'll use the pages to start their cooking fires).

With the lady, things in general are ok. We both know we really want to be together, but at the same time she gets a bit freaked out when I tell her things like she's really perfect for me (I think so). I can sense that she's really torn, that she wants to settle her own problems first before deciding about us. As she said today (I kind of forced it out of her), she wishes to settle her own problems first, to be single and apart from me for now, and for us to get back together in the future when things are better for her.

Of course, that's just wishful thinking: it's much more likely that after breaking up, we both will not look back. The relationship has undergone so much crap, it will always be a little bittersweet. And we might just end up with other people, if we broke up now. I will always wish her all the best, but might have to put some distance between her and me just to maintain my sanity, if it comes to our breaking up.

I don't understand why is it whenever we talk about what's on her mind, it's always as though she has decided she wants to break up. She tells me that nothing is confirmed, and that she's confused, and that she can only tell when we're apart again and maybe in the beginning of yet-another-fucking-long-distance relationship. Then she starts saying things like "I hope we can still be friends if we break up".

Right now, when I'm frequently at arm's length, and when we are both sweating out the present in her sauna-like room, it is hard for her to think objectively and dispassionately, so understandably she feels torn half the time, worrying about her future and the mountain of troubles in her mind, and THEN worrying about our relationship and dealing with the long-distance thing...

Also, last night she had spoken about why she wanted to break up: she has so much on her plate, she is worried in a way that she'll just be grumpy all the time, and that would hurt our relationship. In addition, that I care so much for her gives her additional pressure, as she knows she can't reciprocate. Heck, I think that's a stupid way of thinking: all I want to do is to be here for her, to give her support, to hug her and hear her cry in frustration about work and life and about how unfair things can be for her. I know she can't reciprocate now, I know she's grumpy a lot nowadays, but it's really alright for me.

I don't want to give more trouble to her. I just want to help her, to support her as best as I can, especially when there is no one else around and nobody who will be there always for her.

And if breaking up is the best thing for her to do at this point, I'll respect her decision. Maybe I need a break as well for myself, to be alone and to re-connect with myself. Perhaps, then at a later date, we might be more ready to be together. Or perhaps not, in which case we would both have moved on and be happier.

I'm thinking too much in the middle of the night... not a good thing to do. I think I should hit "Club Bed with DJ Pillow" now...

keninabu!