keninabu!

Feelings

My emotional state nowadays runs up and down like the Bombay Sensex: a bit chaotic. In general going up, but nobody knows when it will crash.

I was just thinking to myself today that I'm really not spending enough time doing things I should be doing: looking for volunteer work to do, looking for other jobs, finishing up with my applications, etc.

In addition I've become really disorganized since I came back: except for a brief organizing stint before my exam, my place is a real mess. Books everywhere, bags all over the place.

It's also kind of worrying that the boxes I had sent from the US STILL have not arrived... I can only pray that they were not hijacked by some pirates somewhere near Sulawesi. If so, those bastards better appreciate all my books... (more likely they'll use the pages to start their cooking fires).

With the lady, things in general are ok. We both know we really want to be together, but at the same time she gets a bit freaked out when I tell her things like she's really perfect for me (I think so). I can sense that she's really torn, that she wants to settle her own problems first before deciding about us. As she said today (I kind of forced it out of her), she wishes to settle her own problems first, to be single and apart from me for now, and for us to get back together in the future when things are better for her.

Of course, that's just wishful thinking: it's much more likely that after breaking up, we both will not look back. The relationship has undergone so much crap, it will always be a little bittersweet. And we might just end up with other people, if we broke up now. I will always wish her all the best, but might have to put some distance between her and me just to maintain my sanity, if it comes to our breaking up.

I don't understand why is it whenever we talk about what's on her mind, it's always as though she has decided she wants to break up. She tells me that nothing is confirmed, and that she's confused, and that she can only tell when we're apart again and maybe in the beginning of yet-another-fucking-long-distance relationship. Then she starts saying things like "I hope we can still be friends if we break up".

Right now, when I'm frequently at arm's length, and when we are both sweating out the present in her sauna-like room, it is hard for her to think objectively and dispassionately, so understandably she feels torn half the time, worrying about her future and the mountain of troubles in her mind, and THEN worrying about our relationship and dealing with the long-distance thing...

Also, last night she had spoken about why she wanted to break up: she has so much on her plate, she is worried in a way that she'll just be grumpy all the time, and that would hurt our relationship. In addition, that I care so much for her gives her additional pressure, as she knows she can't reciprocate. Heck, I think that's a stupid way of thinking: all I want to do is to be here for her, to give her support, to hug her and hear her cry in frustration about work and life and about how unfair things can be for her. I know she can't reciprocate now, I know she's grumpy a lot nowadays, but it's really alright for me.

I don't want to give more trouble to her. I just want to help her, to support her as best as I can, especially when there is no one else around and nobody who will be there always for her.

And if breaking up is the best thing for her to do at this point, I'll respect her decision. Maybe I need a break as well for myself, to be alone and to re-connect with myself. Perhaps, then at a later date, we might be more ready to be together. Or perhaps not, in which case we would both have moved on and be happier.

I'm thinking too much in the middle of the night... not a good thing to do. I think I should hit "Club Bed with DJ Pillow" now...

posted by keninabu @ 12:15 PM