keninabu!

Letter to Myself

Dear Moi,

I'm really sorry that you're feeling the way you are right now. Really.

It's hard, letting go when your feelings are still so strong, and you are still very attached to the other person who, just a moment ago, was the apex of your life.

But such is life: change is inevitable. Of course, you're going to feel very upset for now. Your attachment to her is going to cause you to feel all these negative emotions which stem from your attachment to her: they are not real and probably do not have an actual basis for them. These emotions are your anger, your feeling of being used and discarded, and other similar emotions. These emotions really are just a byproduct of your attachment to her, and it's part of your clinging that is causing you to feel these emotions, even though there is no basis in reality for these emotions.

Like her love for you, these emotions will change and soften with time, much like an ocean wave dying out once it reaches the edge of a beach.

I'm glad you love her, because love, if it is true, is pure and purifying. By this I'm not talking about the selfish love, the love-that-wants-her-all-to-myself. I'm glad that deep down inside, you know that you have to let her go and you have to move on, and that your love for her is strong enough to accomodate that, and to let her go.

I don't mean to let her go and then lapse into self pity. (Which, btw, is not what this letter is about, even though it might seem so.) Rather, to let her go, to take care of yourself, and to move on with your life.

You have a purpose, and it is to help others. What happened to your dream about climate change? Obviously, if you think about it, you have been side-tracked: how do you want to change it back and get back on-track now? Maybe that should occupy your mind instead of your current relationship troubles.

DON'T FORGET YOUR PURPOSE.

You are still upset, but you have to understand, people change. And change is good in its own way. For change gives us an opportunity to see things in a different light, and to experience new things that come our way. Afterall, if things did not change, then everything will stay the same.

And hell, that would be boring, wouldn't it?

Life is a ride, and we need to start looking out of the window, instead of focusing on who seats next to us. Right now the seat is empty, but yours isn't, and you're missing the landscape as it goes by. At the same time, don't get off the bus: you need to get to your destination, your goal.

You remember how it was? While you were on that bus from Porto to Malaga, and that moment when you woke up, and the sun was shining in the Spanish desert on the hills of Andalucia. The sky was clear, almost purple in its blueness, and the sun shone sideways with a ray of gold, lighting the hills in a shade of red and gold.

It was the same exact type of morning as when you were on a road trip in the US, in the South.

And now you're listening to her song collection, listening to this song of hers by Emmiliana Torrini, "To Be Free", and, in a way, you understand how she feels. The need to pull herself together, the guilt, the mix of emotions, but this overriding need to be free.

Afterall, wasn't it the same reason you broke off the previous relationship? And hadn't she, the now-ex, helped you break that one off?

Thank her, for her help, for her love, for her continuing concern. Thank her, and move on, for you love her truly, and I know you do, you won't dwell on the matter so much and dwell in self pity.

Take care of yourself. Try and get some rest. And if your mind plays tricks on you, as it was, do what you need to do to get your rest, for sleep is at a premium and without it, you really cannot function properly at all.

Take time apart from her to pamper yourself, take care of yourself. Work out at the gym. Meet new people. Take dance classes. Eat and sleep properly.

Go back to the basics. If you have to, let yourself cry from time to time.

You will be fine with time.

And don't forget your purpose.

Take care now. I will always be with you, and will always be here when you need a listening ear.

Love,
Me

posted by keninabu @ 2:24 PM