keninabu!

Awake and Depressed at 2.52am

After a fit of restless sleep that involved tossing and turning in my bed for four hours, it suddenly hit me that, wow, everything has gone the full cycle.

Everything that I had been afraid to happen two months ago, has happened. Like my fear of being too old for her. Or the fear that she would just get bored and move on.

Or the fear that, even though I had invested every single fiber of my being to shield her from things that had been thrown in our way (parents, ex-gf, distance, etc.), she would move on.

I guess I shouldn't be angry at her for her feelings changing: that would be like being angry at a cloud for changing its shape. Yet, at the same time, the abruptness of her change has been disturbing. From someone who needed me to someone who is telling me to "take as much time as (I) need" away from her as possible. From someone who had once called me up to tell me that she couldn't live without me, to someone who now wanted to live alone.

And all this within a month.

Stuff had been brewing in her mind, and I had not realized, and I had been blind. I had been angry at another friend, who had warned me before that this change within her seems permanent. This friend had broken up with her bf of six years, and she had told me that the language that my now-ex had used was similar; at that time, the now-ex was indignant, saying "how can she know, when I haven't even made up my mind yet?"

Well, now she has decided, and her decision has been to just leave me and move on.

I can understand that in part, it's because she's still young.

On the other hand, she has seen so much, and been with so many other people. In terms of relationships she's hugely more experienced than I was or will be. I guess it doesn't matter, and she's a free spirit who cannot be pinned down.

But the other things that she said, the justificiation for the break, really really hurts. That everything else was "tiring". That things like my parents opposing, things which I had fought against so much and placed myself in a position receiving criticism against her, was tiring, and had caused her feelings to change.

The irony is that things are a lot better now, and the very things which she wants to break up with me for were the very things which I was, just a month ago, feeling much more optimistic about. My parents no longer opposed, my ex-gf is no longer in contact, and there is no more distance between us.

And right when all these things are solved, I am suddenly asked to let go, to move on.

I'm working on it. I'm trying to let go. Right now, at 3.10am.

Because I love her (not as an ex-gf) and I really want her to be happy, and I'm not going to let myself get in her way.

posted by keninabu @ 1:57 PM