keninabu!

Weaknesses of my mind

Recently I have been very weak in mind, due to clinging and a strong attachment to her, which has led to a lot of stupid things, come to think of it.

This clinging and wondering led me down the path to the unthinkable, sometimes. I'd started reading astrology horoscopes, which pissed her off in the not-so-recent past. And now, after I've been reading it for some time, I can see why: it's stupid! They're all the same, speaking in the same vague language; more importantly it indicates a loss of integrity with myself. If I am actually reading horoscopes, and actually contemplating about what they say, it indicates that I have lost a certain trust in myself to make my own mind, and a loss of confidence in my own judgement.

It's the same thing with friends, who I was actively soliciting advice from. They want to give me advice. Advice is so cheap, readily available, but it's really not what I want. People have been telling me all sorts of things, like move on, she's not your type, let destiny take its course, or "actually I kind of predicted it will happen". From good friends, I just listen, and just brush it off. I've stopped listening to people for now, and am just listening to myself, my own heart, and to her song collection which has become stuck on my head (damn you, girl. Why did you have to create such a good mix of music?).

That's what she was trying to say, I guess. To return to my own roots, to return to my own heart. I was just too troubled to listen.

This clinging and attachment has led to a loss of my personal integrity. A few times, I said to her that I was going to break up, or not contact her, only to succumb to temptation and to end up calling her on some pretext or another. That only inflamed the tension, and increased her annoyance at me.

So now I'm going to claim back what is mine, and to give her what is hers: to do what I said I would (i.e. not contact her), and to let her be by herself.

I'm a little ashamed that I've been so weak in mind that I had actually resorted to such depths of stupidity. And the thing that I lost, my integrity, is actually quite precious to me. So now I'm in the process of gaining it back, to do what I said I would, and to keep my word with myself and to keep my word with others, including her.

But having been to the depths now, and now getting back on the way up, I cannot bring myself to look down on those who lower themselves to that level. I can only feel sorry for them, and hope that things will get better, as they will, since nothing stays the same way forever, even if it feels that way.

posted by keninabu @ 8:55 PM