keninabu!

Thoughts on being Single again

Does being single suck?

Maybe only the initial phase, when the hurt is still new, and when the feelings are still raw, as it is right now. It sometimes hurts to read and think about what has just passed on between us, and how things were just a few months ago.

But I'm the eternal optimist who thinks that life will get better, and that things happen for a reason.

And I am beginning to be won over by the idea of a break at this time in my life. This is the perfect time for me to sit and reflect, to think things through and do some soul searching.

For one thing, there is this reservoir of anger within me, that needs to be diverted, overcome and dissipated somehow. How this anger came about, it probably had its roots in the previous affair, with the resulting negative consequences on me,and consequently on everything around me.

I deeply regret the damage and emotional trauma that I have caused on her in the past, especially when she told me that she wanted to be just friends. I had manipulated her psychologically and emotionally (albeit unintentionally) in my attempts to stay together, causing a lot more unnecessary stress and unhappiness. And I had overlooked the courage that she had mustered, in order to be able to tell me in the first place.

For another thing, the whole affair has expended so much energy that I have completely neglected to take care of myself, so much so that physically I am in the worst shape of my life so far (back all screwed, knee is fucked, and putting on weight in general).

So overall, now is a good time to be apart, to be by ourselves, to live our own lives after the end of this relationship.

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It's in the nature of my mind to go to the extreme sometimes, to want not to let go,to want to go the extreme and cut off all ties completely, to cry and go crazy, to have a fling and a rebound affair with someone else.

But that's just not right.

Love, as an ideal, should not be about selfishness. Love, as an ideal,should not be about clinging, but about respect, about freedom, about accepting change.

My love for her was, once before, a very pure love, focused on what was best for her. Sadly, it had recently corrupted itself into a very earthy, very lusty and sexually-based love. A selfish love, so to speak, that is far from ideal. In a way, I disappointed myself, but there is still some redemption yet, in letting her go, in moving on with my life, in wishing her all the best with her life and keeping in touch as friends (if she wants) and helping her as best as I can.

True Love has an element of "sa3 tuo1", which is a Chinese phrase that does not translate well: a translation that is as good as any other is 'non-attachment'.

This is a good chance to practice sa3 tuo1, right now in the current situation.

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A positive aspect of being single is the freedom to look.

And it is very, very, very nice to be able to look around (not that she ever stopped me: in fact, it was our sport) to enjoy the sights around me, especially on the weekends.

It'll be nicer still when I am happy being single, and can start dating again. Of course, I could start dating now, but I'll probably just fuck up someone else, and I would rather not do that...

posted by keninabu @ 8:27 PM