keninabu!

Feelings about 'Purgatory'

It's a bit melodramatic to call it purgatory, really. As a friend put it, it's more like academic suspension than an expulsion.

Surprisingly, I'm handling it pretty well. In large part because I read this Buddhist tract, which reminded me that true love is really altruistic, and not selfish.

It struck me like a thunderbolt, because our relationship had been initially based on that.
It was not based on the crying, hurt, accusations of selfishness and other madness that I had thrown at her last Friday. It was not based on clinging, nor on promises of the future, nor on promises made in the present.

It was based on love that was not about lust, but about care for the other, but also based on a very pure friendship and concern for each other, as well as a lot of lighthearted fun with each other. It was based not on promises or commitment, but on our mutual feeling in the present. It was very altruistic, very pure.

And I had contaminated it with my own clinging, with my own selfishness.

The Buddhist tract reminded me that through my clinging, I really wasn't loving her, but loving myself. And it also reminded me that I myself had lost touch with myself: how can I love someone else, if I'm not taking care of myself and if I have lost touch with myself?

There are times when I feel down, but I have been sufficiently self-aware, so when I start feeling that way, I do things to get out of the feeling. Like going shopping with my mother. Or exercise. Or just indulging in the work I have to do.

It's paradoxical, but when feeling down and upset, it seems to help take the time to do something for someone else, without any expectation of reward. It seems like having that help accepted is by itself a reward.

And so I've let go of the clinging, and am feeling much better as a result of that. I'm giving her the space she wants, and I wish for her to be happy, and that is all that really matters to me.

posted by keninabu @ 3:06 PM