Addendum to previous post
I must add, I was very relieved to hear her decision.
Because I had gone to her place, thinking that I will probably break up with her.
Thank goodness I heard her speak first, before I said anything... moral of the story: always listen to the woman first.
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That said, we still have not really spoken about our future together, and it's something that she does not really want to discuss at this point: doesn't matter. Right now, what's important is to support her in any way I can, given the situation, and to cherish what we have.
Gosh, why do I love her so much? I don't know.
What I do know is that I'm starting to write this blog in a way I despise: she loves me, she loves me not, repeat ad nauseum.
Back together again
The lady told me her decision, that she wants to be with me for now, and to try our best to be together as much as possible.
As it is, we'll just take things as they come, but try our best to be together as much as possible.
What can I say? I love her very much.
Friend from Haiti
A friend of mine from Rice will be arriving tonight at the airport,and I will be off to pick him up at around midnight to 1am or so. Probably just as well, as I doubt that I will be able to sleep anyway... the pressure of the impending GMAT is a bit high, and I am already feeling the usual adrenalin rush of the preparation. He is a great guy, big, huge hearted, friendly and always running off to do something or another.
On a sidenote, I also filled in the volunteer form to be a suicide hotline operator, and I think I will look to volunteer with a Buddhist organization,in addition to an environmental watchgroup. I need to do everything I can now to occupy my mind!
She is confused
She kept asking me to get angry at her, for wanting to be alone and single and selfish.
I am a little, but what can I say, really? I just felt this deep sadness swallowing me whole from within.
Sad that it has to end this way.
I really hope it does not end this way... I would be much more pissed off than when I broke up with the first serious girlfriend. At least then, there was a genuine incompatibility between us, but in this case, there isn't.
And yet she wants to leave me.
Am I that much of an asshole?
New Toys at 3.40am
So now I am downloading for the first time all these cool software gadgets from Google, onto my new PC laptop that my father had bought because he needs it.
Not before I had to reset my wireless router, which freaked me out an hour ago by not responding: I had, apparently, somehow changed my settings and I have this stinking suspicion that someone tried to hack it (and succeeded), so I upgraded to a better security encryption.
Now I've downloaded Mozilla, Thunderbird, and the whole Google pack: pretty awesome stuff that one can't find on a Mac, I have to admit.
Still, setting up the wireless connection was painful. And confusing, to say the least.
I can't imagine how my parents would have handled it if I wasn't at home: they would have been completely befuddled, to say the least.
Practicalities
Fuck.
The following scenario pisses me off.
Say a couple is in a relationship that seems perfect at the time. They then split up because of some impractical thing, like distance or parental disapproval, or some crap like that. Suppose as well that intrinsically, they really love each other and things are really good. Years later, when the whole thing is over and they are with someone else, they look back and say "oh we were young then... and so naive and impractical."
I hate it when people talk like that. I hate it when people tell me "love is not enough" and all that shit. I hate it when these fucking idiot adults talk like this, and look back at their youth loves and think "haha, I was so dumb".
FUCK PRACTICALITY. FUCK NAIVITY. FUCK THAT 'WE WERE YOUNG AND STUPID' BULLSHIT.
AND DON'T FUCKING SAY "LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH": IF YOU ARE SAYING THAT, IT SIMPLY MEANS YOU DO NOT LOVE ENOUGH.If you can actually think that you were young and naive, it might well mean that you're just growing older and more jaded.
Since when does love have to be practical?
Love is an ideal and an emotion. If you love, you love. You don't love according to a bank account or a law. If you love, you go all the way out for love. You accomodate for love. You lose yourself in love. Practical aspects
accomodate love, not the other way round, if you feel strongly enough and you are lucky enough to have found that one-person-in-a-billion-who-will-travel-half-the-world-to-be-with-you.
Love, as Robert Graves wrote, is as when the
"...young bird-catcher
Swept off his tall hat to the Squire's own daughter,
So let the imprisoned larks escape and fly
Singing about her head, as she rode by."Love is the spur of the moment emotion you feel for someone special.
Love is the spontaneity as you walk hand in hand with the special someone.
Love is the feeling behind all of that, and the feeling of being here NOW with someone special.
To love is to treasure the person, to treasure the feeling, to want to do anything to be with the person.
Love is about loyalty to the person, and not so much about a marriage of convenience: you don't just change allegiances just because it is more convenient. You change allegiances when your emotions about it change.
Love is an ideal, kept alive, maintained.
Maybe I really am too idealistic and much too romantic for this world.
And, to avoid muddling her thoughts, I will only publish this after her own turmoil is all over, and not before.
Gamble
It was a "high stakes relationship", as my sister put it.
Whether it is still one is no longer in my hands, but in another pair, casting the dice.
Confusion reigns
I'm so tired today.
Totally drained from the inside out, as though I had never slept, as though I had been the living dead the whole time.
But so much has happened today within its last four hours. It's incredible, like the Australian soccer team in its last minute thrashing of Japan in the world cup: three goals in eight minutes. It's amazing how, when things are monotonous time takes forever to flow, and when things get exciting, it is over in a jiffy.
I'm feeling a bit like the Japanese team right now. Thrashed. Whipped. Tired. Numb.
I think I won't write here anymore, but will write somewhere else instead, as the only person reading this blog is the person I don't want to be reading my inner thoughts, because I don't want her to feel guilty or to feel pressured by anything, and yet, I'm dying to type this all out, to scream through my fingers and to vent through my fingertips the madness that spills out from between my ears.
Worst Case scenarios in the head
a) A so-called brother spends lots of time with die Frau, is nice to her and sweet in front of her. She 'tames' him, thinking he is just a nice guy and she can see all his tricks, but she does not reckon with his ability to charm (and this guy can be a real charmer if he wants to) through sweetness. She then falls for his sweetness and dumps me. I will be happy for her after lots of crying, but damned pissed off at him, and will go off to live in Sentosa as a hermit.
b) She gets bored of me, and runs off to be with a super smart, nice, good looking business guy with lots of money.
There really aren't worser scenarios in my head than these two, especially when I am so freaking far away, and when her behaviour is quite different from the past: as of now, on a weekday, zero emails from her. Not a single reply, asking me how I am, or even just a single expression of love.
Usually SHE is the one who would write asking me, why did I not reply? Why dont you call mè?
All of a sudden, this stop in these kinds of emails.
I have been checking my mail for the past few days, and almost not a single email from her. When I did manage to call her, she sounded underwhelmed, bored, and also very sick.
I don't know. Maybe I am just going neurotic because I am stuck here, supposed to 'relax' when I am without her and I miss her so badly that the moment I close my eyes, she is there, with me, and when I wake up it burns so badly inside to know she is not here and I tasted the pillow instead of her.
I miss her so badly.
Is the feeling still there?
I don't know sometimes.
Sometimes it feels like I might return to an illusion. Maybe it is because I cannot call her as often as I want, and, in the past few weeks, when I do get her, she is not really there because so much bullshit is happening in her workplace. And also maybe it is because I just feel so insecure that she is so far, and so central to me that I really fear losing her.
The fear gets so irrational and self-sustaining that at times that I have to remind myself that it is not just about my feelings, but hers. Not just my dreams, but hers and ours. And we can only talk about our dreams and our plans when we get back together again.
I know she is probably bored to hell with my phone calls, since nowadays I say basically exactly the same things, the same phrases and the same content (I miss you, I love you, I wish you were here etc.).
I have, in essence, become as interesting as dried grass. I feel like I have dried grass for brains nowadays...
The monotony of my speech is probably the result of missing her a lot, combined with repeated doses of alcohol (in this case, lots of wine).AND lots of interaction with a 6 month old baby. A really cute baby, to be sure, but after a while, I wish I had something more intelligent to do, like a funny book or the time to do my GMAT practices. Making funny faces gets a little monotonous after a while, even if it cheers the little critter to no end.
I am just counting down the days to when we get back together again, when I am certain things will once again be fine and ok, when I will get back my wit and help her, and just BE with her without having to hold a phone and dial a fucking calling card and hear her on the end of a hazy sounding line 6 million miles away.
I might as well be a man on the moon.
Other times, I feel perfectly fine, and feel hopeful and sure that when we get back together, we will be fine again, like we were.
I know I am probably just overreacting. But sometimes I wish these crazy thoughts will just leave my head.
Sick and quite upset
I'm down with a cold, and instead of leaving the town I'm in, I'm now stuck where I will be.
Even more disheartening, I just had this really unpleasant internet exchange with a friend, an old friend of mine.
He has been the sweetest guy ever, taking care of my girl in Singapore, doing stuff for her, bringing her around etc. I am really grateful to him.
He came online to tell me about this powerful meditation experience that he had, with energy flows going throughout his body, and how overwhelming it was.
I told him that while it is nice, it isn't wise to put too much focus on it: this detracts from the meditation, and also creates craving, which hinders meditation even more.
The way he reacted took me quite by surprise, actually. He started telling me to keep my distance, to not say anything, and to tell me that my advice was unsolicited.
I tried to explain myself and my stand, but it just made things worse: he started taunting me("if you are so wise, you wouldn't have said what you just said", "you're not qualified to give me advice", and best of all, "it was like you walking into (our friend)'s restaurant and declaring that he should change his menu to have only 3 items" [note: that was three years ago]).
To which I replied "In the case of the restaurant, I agree I have nil experience running a restaurant. As for meditation, I have significantly more than nil experience. I never made claims about being wise, I just have a little bit more experience in meditation. And I wouldn't have said what I said, if we weren't old friends".
The more I tried to explain, the more he told me to shut up, and further taunted me with sentences like "the longer you engage me like this, the further you prove you are not much more advanced despite whatever experience you mention". I don't know about him, but it isn't a
competition about who is more advanced: for me, it is about having the right mindset when you meditate. It is about the right technique, right approach, about getting maximum benefit from the practice.
Fact of the matter is, if for example I had a question about bodybuilding and fitness, I would have no hesitation to ask him for his advice. Even his unsolicited advice would come in very useful, for I know he has a lot more experience and knowledge in this regard than I do.
As for his meditation, it would have been enriching and interesting if we both discussed this. Instead, he was just telling me to stop, because I'm not qualified, unwise, etc.
It was saddening that he took it on a personal level, and started attacking me with his taunts. I don't really understand how it is possible for him to react, especially given that context, which is just after his meditation. Maybe he got really attached to his sensations, and started taking it personally when I told him that these sensations will pass? I can understand that he was feeling excited, because it was a new feeling, but to start feeling
defensive about meditation and one's meditation experience? It is a bit ironic that his meditation has served to heighten his ego, while leaving mine not a little crushed.
The Missus has said many a time to me before "don't rationalize with me when I'm emotional". But it was quite unexpected in this case, for a friend who just finished meditating, to start becoming so emotional about it, and then to start taunting in almost no time flat.
I make no apologies for what I said. As I told him, time will tell.
This really reminds me how complicated it is to interact with people...
