keninabu!

Is the feeling still there?

I don't know sometimes.

Sometimes it feels like I might return to an illusion. Maybe it is because I cannot call her as often as I want, and, in the past few weeks, when I do get her, she is not really there because so much bullshit is happening in her workplace. And also maybe it is because I just feel so insecure that she is so far, and so central to me that I really fear losing her.

The fear gets so irrational and self-sustaining that at times that I have to remind myself that it is not just about my feelings, but hers. Not just my dreams, but hers and ours. And we can only talk about our dreams and our plans when we get back together again.

I know she is probably bored to hell with my phone calls, since nowadays I say basically exactly the same things, the same phrases and the same content (I miss you, I love you, I wish you were here etc.).

I have, in essence, become as interesting as dried grass. I feel like I have dried grass for brains nowadays...

The monotony of my speech is probably the result of missing her a lot, combined with repeated doses of alcohol (in this case, lots of wine).AND lots of interaction with a 6 month old baby. A really cute baby, to be sure, but after a while, I wish I had something more intelligent to do, like a funny book or the time to do my GMAT practices. Making funny faces gets a little monotonous after a while, even if it cheers the little critter to no end.

I am just counting down the days to when we get back together again, when I am certain things will once again be fine and ok, when I will get back my wit and help her, and just BE with her without having to hold a phone and dial a fucking calling card and hear her on the end of a hazy sounding line 6 million miles away.

I might as well be a man on the moon.

Other times, I feel perfectly fine, and feel hopeful and sure that when we get back together, we will be fine again, like we were.

I know I am probably just overreacting. But sometimes I wish these crazy thoughts will just leave my head.

posted by keninabu @ 1:51 AM