keninabu!

Father is in hospital

Obviously I'm in no mood to blog.

posted by keninabu @ 11:33 AM 0 comments

Trip!

I just got notification I'll be going on an all-expenses-paid trip to an Asia-Pac country.

:D

Perfect!

posted by keninabu @ 1:31 AM 0 comments

National Day Parade

It reminds me of what I learnt about Roman history.

The Roman emperors frequently held victory parades and celebrations for various reasons. Some celebrations were religious, like Saturnalia (which became adopted as Christmas, after the Romans converted from paganism to Christianity).

Most parades,though, were victory celebrations designed to remind the people of their Holy Roman Empire, and to inculcate imperial pride.

The Singapore National day parade doesn't seem to have a different goal.

posted by keninabu @ 5:43 AM 0 comments

National Day

This is the first National Day that I'm spending in Singapore, actually. In previous years, I tried my best to avoid National Day like the plague.

I dunno. Having undergone brainwashing for the greater part of my childhood, I am inherently suspicious about claims of national identity.

What is Singaporean?

Obsessive cleanliness? Social conservativeness? Victorian-type doublestandards towards sexuality and towards homosexuals? A pathetic state of individual rights and freedoms? What about an ueber-materialistic culture that determines a person's social standing based on the type of car he drives and the type of mobile phone he uses? Or a society that addresses racism by celebrating tolerance and by jailing anyone who touches too close to sensitive racial topics, without addressing any underlying resentment at exhibited xenophobia towards foreigners?

How about the colonial mentality that looks up towards the White Man's culture (e.g. Australian, American and UK culture), but looks down on Chinese and Indian culture?

The refusal to save and think for oneself?

And as a Singaporean, I am supposed to be proud of all that?


The things which stand for Singapore in my eyes, are the very things which are NOT represented in the National Day celebrations:

-Singlish, for instance. It might sound crude, and it is. But it is very much of a creole-language in the evolution. It is local.

-mr brown. Nobody is better suited at making fun of a government and society that takes itself too seriously. All this, while pointing out valid local concerns.

-The uncles and aunties who sell things in hawker centres and local HDB estates. The "heartlanders".

-The interracial couples (Malay-Chinese, Indian-Malay, Indian-Chinese, etc.), who have had to put up with shit from their own families, as well as indirect shit from society.

-The foreign workers who took huge risks to come here for a better future, like my own grandfather, and who are often treated as second-class citizens.

All of these things that represent Singapore to me are not constructed or conceived at the governmental level.

In a lot of ways, Singapore is a very artificial and contrived place. And I can't wait to leave, honestly.

posted by keninabu @ 5:28 AM 0 comments

Piling

Work is starting to pile up, and is starting to get a little interesting. I've had to start cold-calling, and to send out emails to companies. In addition, the first legal stuff has started appearing on my desk, and I've had to look through a number of documents.

---

Regarding her, I've started to move my thoughts out of this blog into yet another. No sense putting thoughts about her here, when she can read it and get pissed off.

I hope things are ok for her though. She was pretty distressed yesterday, but things sound like they are getting better.

posted by keninabu @ 8:51 PM 0 comments

Interesting News about the Stellar twins

This news from the Beeb is pretty interesting, not that I know much about astronomy or large-scale physical space objects.

I wonder what the implications are of this phenomena.

posted by keninabu @ 10:42 PM 0 comments

Weaknesses of my mind

Recently I have been very weak in mind, due to clinging and a strong attachment to her, which has led to a lot of stupid things, come to think of it.

This clinging and wondering led me down the path to the unthinkable, sometimes. I'd started reading astrology horoscopes, which pissed her off in the not-so-recent past. And now, after I've been reading it for some time, I can see why: it's stupid! They're all the same, speaking in the same vague language; more importantly it indicates a loss of integrity with myself. If I am actually reading horoscopes, and actually contemplating about what they say, it indicates that I have lost a certain trust in myself to make my own mind, and a loss of confidence in my own judgement.

It's the same thing with friends, who I was actively soliciting advice from. They want to give me advice. Advice is so cheap, readily available, but it's really not what I want. People have been telling me all sorts of things, like move on, she's not your type, let destiny take its course, or "actually I kind of predicted it will happen". From good friends, I just listen, and just brush it off. I've stopped listening to people for now, and am just listening to myself, my own heart, and to her song collection which has become stuck on my head (damn you, girl. Why did you have to create such a good mix of music?).

That's what she was trying to say, I guess. To return to my own roots, to return to my own heart. I was just too troubled to listen.

This clinging and attachment has led to a loss of my personal integrity. A few times, I said to her that I was going to break up, or not contact her, only to succumb to temptation and to end up calling her on some pretext or another. That only inflamed the tension, and increased her annoyance at me.

So now I'm going to claim back what is mine, and to give her what is hers: to do what I said I would (i.e. not contact her), and to let her be by herself.

I'm a little ashamed that I've been so weak in mind that I had actually resorted to such depths of stupidity. And the thing that I lost, my integrity, is actually quite precious to me. So now I'm in the process of gaining it back, to do what I said I would, and to keep my word with myself and to keep my word with others, including her.

But having been to the depths now, and now getting back on the way up, I cannot bring myself to look down on those who lower themselves to that level. I can only feel sorry for them, and hope that things will get better, as they will, since nothing stays the same way forever, even if it feels that way.

posted by keninabu @ 8:55 PM 0 comments

Monkey mind

My mind literally goes all over the place on its own sometimes, and sometimes I just drive myself insane wondering and questioning "why is this happening?", "I thought she loved me", etc.

These are stupid thoughts to think. Afterall, she probably isn't missing me as much as I miss her. It's an unspoken want to cut off from me completely and to live her own life apart from me.

So I need to occupy myself and to entertain myself, and to take care of myself.

Sometimes, though, it helps to talk to friends who are going through the same thing, as I am. It also helps to hang out with buddies, as I will tomorrow (even though a part of me really wants to go to Zouk to check out the DJ...) and as I have yesterday.

Hanging out with GH, who's leaving for Beijing in two weeks, was the most therapeutic thing I have done in ages. Just two bossom buddies spending time together, having fun, talking. I'm really going to miss him a lot when he's gone.

I told him I'll try and visit him in Beijing if I can.

posted by keninabu @ 8:33 PM 0 comments

The feeling is back

Once again, it feels like the first time when I was with my very first girlfriend, who, out of the blue, just stopped answering my emails or taking my calls altogether.

Except in this case, she, the now-ex, is one of my best friends. So it's a bit of a double whammy,to lose a girlfriend and a close friend.

But such is life. I just wonder what did I do to deserve this?

posted by keninabu @ 10:41 AM 0 comments

Career Planning

Increasingly, I'm thinking about how I can move on to the US.

Not just anywhere in the USA, but specifically in NYC. I was just looking through the Columbia Business School brochure, and am thinking seriously of doing my MBA there if possible. The fact that you can do everything in NYC, and the fact that it is near Wall Street, and has a very strong reputation and faculty in investing and in finance, makes it very appealing to me as I would like to switch over to finance in the near future.

My testosterone is going into overdrive...Or maybe it is just the caffeine.

Hup hup hup!!

posted by keninabu @ 8:53 PM 0 comments

Blogging impotence

Yesterday I wanted to blog during the evening, but it ended up that my father had to file some travel claims on his company network, so he ended up hogging the family internet for the entire evening.

Just this morning, he was at it again.

As a result, I am going to spend some time blogging this morning, to blog in order to stay sane, otherwise I'll go a little cuckoo in the head...

posted by keninabu @ 7:54 PM 0 comments

My Father

My father is a very weird man.

Sometimes he is the sweetest person, who's gentle and kind. I still remember one time I dreamt that he had died, and he woke me up. While I was crying, he repeatedly asked me gently, "What happened? Why are you crying?"

There was also the time when I entered the army, which was the closest I felt to entering a prison. My parents stood there, and my mother was crying her eyes out. My father tried to look brave, and he was smiling a weird smile. I know that smile: it's the exact same smile that I make when I am trying not to cry.

Sometimes he can be a lot of fun to be with, with a sense of humour.

Othertimes, he can be a real pain in the ass.

His temper can be very volatile, and you never know when he will take offence at something. Sometimes he will laugh at himself, othertimes he'll just withdraw into his shell of silence, and not say anything.

And other times, I try hard not to be bored by him, but it is hard. Especially when he just launches into this diatribe/lecture/seminar of different things: his job, his hobby, Taiwanese politics, China vs. India (he is invariably pro-China and anti-India, for illogical reasons), etc., and when he talks he always talks over people. He wouldn't listen to you then, and it's family knowledge that you just nod your head and agree.

A lot of times I don't, though, and I just tell him so. There was once we had a 2-3 hour argument about whether Tibet belonged to China, with me being pro-Tibetan independence, and my father being pro-Chinese government.

He is a complicated man, and sometimes I think I am definitely his son, with similar quirks and similar bad habits.

Othertimes I wonder how is it possible for me to come from the loins of such a guy.

posted by keninabu @ 7:45 PM 0 comments

Incoming...

Just yesterday I was complaining about not having enough to do.

And right after that, I got a whole bunch of stuff from MS, one of my bosses, to do a lot of market definition stuff. It's interesting work that I'm doing, which is basically online market research in a specialized chemical area, followed by exploring potential collaboration with other organizations.

This workplace is very laid back, as in the people are very laid back. Work is not really a passion for most people here, but another way to save up, earn money, and to live. They are very nice, my colleagues, though very nosy and almost intrusive into my private life at lunch.

But I cannot help but feel that I need to prove myself to be above them. I want to do really well, to get excellent results and to show that I am capable of taking on more things than I am given right now.

Hell, I need a distraction and a new focus, and I want to leave this place in two years with a track record that allows me to show to others that I am capable of doing more than has been done before.

The other thing as well is I am going to grow up. As in I'm going to take work a lot more seriously now than before, to start getting into gear, and to be more professional about it. So no long periods during office hours of using of the blog, like I have done in the past weeks, but I'll be restricting my private email and blogging to after office hours and to focus on work.

posted by keninabu @ 12:08 AM 0 comments

Latin dancing

Maybe it wasn't such a great idea afterall: my knees are hurting like crazy, after trying to twist and turn on my rubber-soled shoes.

But it was fun, and I like salsa dancing.

Then I came home and turned on the computer, and ended up chatting online way into the night... now I'm really tired.

posted by keninabu @ 8:23 PM 0 comments

Tired out...

... and I still have to go for salsa.

I guess she really wants to just focus on her work, and wants her space. So I won't contact her until she contacts me again.

posted by keninabu @ 4:08 AM 0 comments

Fingers burnt: We're On Different Channels

Wah biang. I think I'll contact her only on the weekends now. If I contact her at all.

And I got a rude reintroduction into the reality of Platonic Relationships between the Sexes. We're all human beings, but things can get very complex...

Well, I have a lot of time on my hands for now, though the bosses have been promising that things will 'heat up' in a short time. But I find it really disturbing that there's almost nothing happening for me in the office.

This place is moving so slowly, it's ridiculous. It's already my second week here, and I feel like I'm stuck in mud.

Then during lunch, a colleague asked me, So why did you apply to work here? We're in the middle of nowhere. I turned the question back on her, and we started chatting about how we both got our jobs here because "we have no choice". She told me she really didn't like it here (I actually don't mind it too much).

Me: "So why don't you find another job and move on?"

Her: "Well, it's really hard to move on back to the private sector after you work here for a few years..."

Me: "Oh, really?"

- ALARM BELLS RINGING -

I started to freak out. I mean, the plan is for this job to open doors, not to close them in my face... I don't intend to stay on this job for the rest of my life! I started thinking, and thought of two people who I could ask about this. Since it was lunch time, they were probably free for a bit, so I was going to just ask a one-liner question anyway...

I thought about my ex's colleague.
She's been working for a while now, and her colleague N. seems to have some experience in issues of human resource, i.e. re payscale, work environment, etc. and I figured she's the right person to ask.

I also thought of asking my ex, to ask her again how was her work like? Was she this bored in her second week as well? Heck, I have nobody to compare notes with. Everyone of my other friends are either working in different working environments, or they are professional lawyers, who practically live on a different planet altogether.

Earlier I had sent her an SMS about housing, since she managed to find a really nice room rental and I wanted to ask her how she did it. Add the fact that I'm not sure if she received my SMS due to the shitty phone reception on my island, so I had called her beforehand to no avail.

So anyway, in my new panic about job prospects, I started to call her, and her colleague. Both didn't answer, so I sent an SMS to N asking if we could meet for dinner, since I wanted to ask her about this.

I got a reply "Sorry I can't." followed by "This is between you and XXX, and it's a private matter. I really cannot be involved, I'm sorry. I hope you understand."

To be honest, it hit me a bit like, er, huh??? Wtf? What does this have to do with my career question??

After mulling on it for a bit, I could see that it was a misunderstanding, and possibly my fault. Afterall, I hadn't told her, the Ex, that I'm ok now, and that I'd like to just be friends for now. So N probably thought that I was bugging the Ex and her because I was having an emotional meltdown or something. Or just hankering for attention.

Later the Ex called and told me she was going to email me the stuff I wanted, and when I asked her if she was okay, she said brusquely, "Yeah I'm ok... I'm just annoyed because I was at lunch with my colleagues, and you were calling me and I couldn't answer, THEN you messaged N..." and I cut in saying, I'm sorry but I messaged her about something different, not about you or about the apartment rental. She sounded unconvinced, but she hung up anyway.

ANYWAY, I got an email from N explaining her SMS, and I don't envy her... seems like she has a lot going on in her life now. She also told me that the Ex wants space, and I should give her that.

If that's what she wants, that's what she will get lor. I'm not going to bother her or anything like that...

posted by keninabu @ 1:34 AM 0 comments