keninabu!

Depression and Shadows from the Past

I know I'm just tired. But there's a part of me that feels like a pretty worthless piece of crap.

Except for that little bruise to the ego (see previous post), I really should be celebrating. Afterall, I just received notification from a government agency that they are interested in further assessing my suitability for a job in Singapore and I will get interviewed after returning to Singapore. In addition, I finally got inducted into PLU after a year's delay.

But there is a bit of grief going on within me. Sometimes it's quite disappointing that despite so many years of trying to be a better person, a better listener, etc., I still am very much the same dogmatic stubborn headed person.

Was I so obnoxious? AM I still such a pain? A friend from eons past, even though I had not spoken with her since I had acne in my teens, made a comment "you are still the same" when she met me online. I would very much disagree that I am at all the same person from even four years back, let alone from 10-20 years ago.

It's weird. After The Incident That Shall Not Be Named, I feel that my character has basically transformed in many ways back to my old aggressive ENTJ (Extraverted Intuitive Thinking Judging) personality type: abrasive, direct, blunt, tactless at times, ego-driven.

It's almost a world apart from two years back when I was very much more docile and more of a listener than somebody with a strong opinion (although I believe that given some time, I can accept alternative viewpoints).

Now I am a lot more pro-active and active than those docile days, but while I am changing, it almost seems as though I am changing back to a former self, and it is not so much a progression as it is a regression back to the past, like a shadow that flitters from the light back into the dark.

posted by keninabu @ 2:22 AM