keninabu!

Fighting the Missus

Am I an idiot?

Of course I am.

Who else will allow himself to cause a relationship to go into a downward spiral, even when he had promised himself and her that he will not do that anymore? All because I missed her. All because I wanted to talk to her more, because I was even obsessive about it, and because I was and still am muddled in the head.

At first, I was feeling a little down about putting down the phone, and she could sense that. So she felt bad and called me back, in her usual sweet way. And I was just feeling basically down, missing her, and a little irked by some of the things she said to me before, like "why are you feeling down?", and then telling me how she feels bad to put down the phone and I make her feel bad that way, and she was a little angered.

I don't remember now what exactly we said to each other. All I remember was that she was becoming extremely upset thanks to me, and was crying at some point, and I was crying at some point, and at the end of it, I just felt like going over somewhere and breaking my own leg or hand. We hung up, I called her back, broke down, apologized, felt like crap even though she said "it's ok, just don't do it again", because I fucking did it again: made her cry, brought down her mood, made her suffer for no god damn fucking reason.

I'm such a fucking asshole. I just hate myself right now, and I want to kill myself.

Sometimes I feel like it will be in her best interest if I just got the balls together and broke up with her, for her sake, instead of having her live with the insane jealous maniac that I am. That gets her mad, but I'm increasingly inclined to think that way. It's a neurotic thought, and ironically enough it is what I am most afraid of as well. But it might be the best for her, for all I know.

I just don't feel like I deserve her at all. All I've done is bring her misery. Pain, misery, and a fucking nuisance on the phone who costs a bomb, arm and a fucking leg to keep happy, and even then I manage to bring myself down into hell without her assistance, dragging her down like the anchor of a sinking ship.

I went to run. Run.

I needed pain. I wanted to feel pain. I wanted to push myself so hard that my body runs itself to bits, to run so hard that all my body parts will become lost in the pain and disappear, to run so hard that the pain overwhelms everything and becomes numb and I do not have to think.

I ran.

Pushed myself.

As hard as I could.

And goddamn it, I'm still alive.

posted by keninabu @ 4:20 PM