keninabu!

Tucker Max at Rice

Tucker Max is a pretty big name internet celebrity in the US. Basically he's famous because he puts his entire life online: you can read his exploits (involving an ex-Miss Vermont, amongst others) at his website.

He came tonight by invitation of the Rice American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU), to speak about a case against him that is a major First Amendment test. The person is suing Tucker for comments made on Tucker's website's message forum. The details are available on Tucker's website. I'm going to be talking more about the talk itself.

At 9pm on Wednesday, I decided that I would attend this talk, and I walked over to the Humanities building Room 117, where the talk was scheduled to be.

When I reached there, I couldn't believe my eyes: the room was PACKED. Literally, there were people on every single square foot of the room, on the floors, on the window sills, sticking to the walls, etc. Everyone was chatting, people were asking "where is he? Is he going to talk at all?" I thought I was in Delhi train station, except almost everyone was white and nobody was shitting on the floor.

What the fuck, I thought. This is nuts.

I looked for a place to sit in vain, so I went to take a piss, and as I was washing my hands, there was a white guy in the corner of the bathroom, wiping his hands, wearing beige shorts and a white T shirt, and he looked vaguely like Tucker's picture on the website. I barely gave it any thought and just went on my own business anyway.

Came out, and the place was starting to overflow. I spotted a friend, let's call her "X", who was on her cellphone. Suddenly she led the whole contingent to the Baker Institute, and while I was walking with her, she started chatting with me about how things were, giving me hints like "that's Tucker" (it turns out I was right), "that's R., he's G's boyfriend and studies at Baylor", etc. The crowd was HUGE. Ridiculous. It stretched on for maybe 200 meters long along the sidewalk as we moved from the Humanities building to the Baker Institute.

(Note about X: A friend of mine has the hots for her, although I have always had a feeling that she has an ever-so-slight interest in me, which I have never reciprocated (even before the days of the Missus) precisely because her mannerisms remind me of a psycho-ex, and she resembles an anime character (big Caucasian brown eyes, with a small up-turned nose, and small lips...). Now with the Missus in my life, there's even less reason to look around and "check out the Menu" (as an Irish friend of mine calls it). )

Anyway, I summoned up the balls to chat with Tucker, and spoke with him briefly about Miss Vermont, and how she resembled my psycho-ex. I also spoke about defamation law in Singapore, and he made a tasteless remark about "they probably whip you", which is all very American. He seemed a nice enough guy, a little jaded at meeting yet-another-person-trying-to-meet-a-celebrity, and not at all the crazy wild guy that his website makes him out to be. This is something that he touches on later, that the site captures a small slice of his personality and person.

He looked a lot more average than his website makes him out to be. On his website, he looks a lot more muscular and lean; in person, he dresses pretty sloppily (white cotton T-shirt with beige berms) and looks a little on the heavy side. He wasn't shaved either.

When we finally reached the Baker Institute, there was the requisite little speech given by the ACLU Rice Chapter President, before Tucker was introduced. He stepped on stage with a bottle of Shiner bock in his hand, and spoke for maybe 20 minutes about his suit.

He talks very much like some of the people I know from the Army: almost all his sentences are punctuated by "fucking", "fuck", "shit" etc. and his nouns are all adjectivized by "fuck", "fucking", "shitty" etc.
And he is funny. HILARIOUS.

Some excerpts:
About his mother: "most of the time, she just cries... 'oh he is such a bad person!' "

About one of his colleagues at Festering Ass: "he writes that the sole purpose of ninjas are to kill people and flip (the middle finger at people)"

About the "horrific" 300-pound NSA (National Security Agency) spy whom he screwed: "I don't remember how we hooked up, though I vaguely remember hooking up with her in front of all my friend. But I DO remember the next morning...unfortunately, all too clearly."

About Miss Vermont: "She's a hypocrite who portrays herself on her website as this pinnacle of abstinence and virtue. Well, get this: I met her for the first time in the gym at 7pm. By 8.30pm we were having dinner, by 9.30pm we were hooking up, by 11pm she was drunk, and by 1am we were screwing in her white Ford Explorer."

When pushed by Ms. Chicago (see below) to tell a story from his book: "I don't really want to talk about it." (Ms Chicago: what can we do to make you tell us this story?) "Ok, the only way I will tell this story to you, is as part of a post-coital conversation." (-General Hysterical Laughter, as Ms Chicago blushes-) -Looks around in amazement- "You guys actually know what 'post-coital' means: I said that at B.U., and all these rich stupid kids were looking around asking 'whaa.... ?' "

About him making fun of people: "The person who gets made fun of the most in my stories is myself. I don't exactly compliment myself when I write that I woke up in a strange place, wallowing naked in my own vomit with shit on my head!"
---

He talks very much the same way he writes on his website, in a very similar style. It's the same self-deprecating humor combined with a down-to-earth-straight-as-an-arrow-to-your-fucking-nuts style that probably explains his popularity (or lack thereof) with girls.

After he explained his suit, he opened the floor to questions. Some of the questions were pretty good, in particular the ones addressing his message (which is essentially, be yourself, do what you are passionate about, and be honest with yourself first and foremost). But there were others (particularly by a girl we will call "Ms Chicago") who were particularly annoying. Ms. Chicago, in particular, took offence to his characterization of Chicago (the University) as a dull place with appalling social life: you can go to downtown Chicago, said she.

Tucker (rightly) pointed out that UChicago is in the middle of Hyde Park, with the nearest subway station outside of it in an area where "even drug dealers don't cross at night if they want to stay alive" (it's true: I was there for a summer so I can attest to that); the buses stop running at midnight, and there is absolutely NOTHING in Hyde Park (again, very true).

Ms Chicago then went on about "De Pauls university", at which point Tucker interrupted her and said (very loudly), "What the fuck, since when did I say anything about De Pauls? Fuck, you're stupid! Shut the fuck up!" and she shut up, to general applause from the audience (I think we were ready to lynch her by then).

The evening continued until 10.30pm along much the same vein, but what astounds me still is how there were SO MANY WOMEN WHO OBVIOUSLY WANTED TO FUCK HIM.

Seriously. I've never seen as many low-cut spags and tops, and I've been at Rice for four years now. And these same women dressed in these stamp-sized tops were making coy remarks to him, lining up after his talk to get his signature, inviting him to have drinks at their dorm rooms, asking him to regale us all with some sexually explicit story, or asking him about his personal sex life and conquests. All with the "I want to get laid by you" body language: extra-large eyes, licking their lips, positioning their body such that their cleavage seems to replace their face, etc. I'm so glad I don't have to deal with female attention like that.

It's so weird. And it's something my smarter female friends don't really understand either: most of them looked at Tucker and said to me "he's gross". But these girls looked at him like he was organic honey from Whole Foods, or something like that.

All in all, I laughed so hard that I developed abs: it was a good night out just to listen to him.

posted by keninabu @ 10:48 PM